Payton's 2nd Angelversary

Payton's day has come and gone but I've yet to post. I could say life has been busy not allowing time. But that isn't entirely true. I haven't posted because I don't know what to write. Leading up to the day my anxiety as well as sadness were strong. I hadn't felt that sad in a long time. I know there were many factors: hormones, decreased sleep, and having Brock. Not to mention I was extremely worried how dinner would go. Still I was surprised how sad and tearful I was. How fresh the loss felt.

Dustin and I feel we need to celebrate (so to speak) her day just as we celebrate Tatum's and Brock's birthdays. Last year we remembered our daughter by sharing a meal with family and friends. It was a peaceful evening because the family and friends who came understood. Dustin and I felt supported. We wanted again to have dinner, making it a tradition each year. However, we went back and forth on whither to invite others and whom to invite. In the end we decided to keep it intimate by only inviting Payton's grandparents, uncles and aunts.

Before dinner, we released balloons. Tatum wrote on a balloon; "Dear Payton I love you and I really really really miss you. I wish you could come from Heaven to visit, but you can't". Tatum also insistent she have a different colored balloon to send to God.

After we enjoyed a delicious four course meal. I am a lucky woman my husband is a great cook.

We began with an argula salad with prosciutto, shaved parmesan,
 and candied walnuts in a balsamic reduction.

Next we had an artichoke pecorino flan.



The entree was slice steak with brunello sauce served
with wilted spinach with currants and pine nuts. 



Ending with creme brulee for dessert.

After dinner, Dustin connected the laptop to the tv so we all could watch Payton's slideshow. Everyone  thanked us for showing it and commented it was beautiful. However, the mood... well the best I can describe was forced. It felt we were forcing our daughter and her memory on others. The evening was uncomfortable, which in a way okay. Death is uncomfortable. I don't know... Maybe it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if people remembered why we were together and mentioned Payton and there wasn't drama which I'm not going to into.

I understand others don't have the same connect with Payton as Dustin, Tatum or I. In fact, Dustin, Tatum, and I all have different connections with Payton. Yet, they are related to her and if nothing else should try to understand what it would be like to lose a child. And therefore, try to understand how we might feel. But most don't. Simply saying 'I don't know what that is like' is a cop-out. I need to do some soul searching. I need to decide if I'm okay with forcing my daughter on a few family members, or to have a peaceful evening with supportive people, or only the four of us celebrate Payton. I have a year to figure it out. Any thoughts?

Payton Bear

It's here! My Payton Bear is here! This afternoon on my way to run errands I stopped at the mailbox, surprised to receive a package. Once in the car I glanced at the sender's name- Molly Bears. As fast as I could I riped the box open. There it was, the beautiful Payton Bear. For several minutes I sat there clutching the bear. Thank you Molly Bears family for a wonderful gift, and what perfect timing. To learn more about Molly Bears head on over to their site.

Wake Me When January Ends

Once upon a time January was exciting. A new year full of hope. Full of promise. Offering the possibility of making this year better than the last. A chance to right all the wrongs of the past 12 months. That was then. This is now. January no longer represents potential. It stands for bittersweet. A month of deep mixed emotions; beginning by celebrating Tatum's birth, followed by the celebration of Dustin and I's marriage, as the month progresses the bitterness blankets the sweetness bringing Payton's day.

Losing Payton will never stop hurting. The pain of saying goodbye to my daughter, of burring my baby, of not watching her grow, of not having her here, will never stop hurting. Yet over the last two years I've learned a lot. I've learned "time heals all" is a load of crap. I've learned what “it will get easier” means. It doesn't mean the pain will stop or life will return to normal. It does mean after time, tears, and hurt the pain lessons (at times) and you learn to live a new normal. I've learned about disappointment and surprise. I've learned about people. I've learned the shallowness some posses. I've learned the depth of love, caring, and thoughtfulness of others. I've learned the people you count on aren't always the ones you thought. I've learned in one moment your closest friend can become an acquaintance. And in the same moment a complete stranger can become your closest companion. I've learned you never know who is who until the moment happens.

'Tis the time of year memories and pain come flooding back forgetting two years have elapsed. I wish the month passes quickly. 

About A Boy

Today is Brock's due date. I cannot believe he has been here for 4 weeks, 5 days. There were many days during the pregnancy I didn't think we would get here. Didn't think he would get here. At this moment sitting here with Brock sleeping in my arms, those days are a blur. I know it happened (and often) but I cannot remember how it felt. Now it's so natural he is here, as if he has always been, as if he has always been in my arms. I guess because he was always meant to be.

I love love love this little boy! I know it's bad to admit, because aren't moms suppose to love each child equally at least that is what moms say, but truthfully I never believed. There was a part of me that didn't know how I would feel about him. I would love him yes. Yet part of me assumed I would love him less because he wasn't my first...because he was a boy... because he came after Payton... For a million reason I thought how could I love him as much as I love Tatum or Payton. I am so happy I was wrong. I had the same thoughts when pregnant with Payton. I was wrong then too. Some times it's good to be wrong! I love this little boy so much I cannot really put it into words. Each time I look at him my heart overflows with love and gratitude. I cannot get enough of him!

Brock is such a different baby than Tatum was. More how I thought Payton would be. He is an easy baby. We can actually put him down! He actually sleeps somewhere other than our arms! Yet, we still fight over who gets to hold him :) Rather than forcing him eats on his own, and wow is he a good eater. He is getting chunky. We are excited. We have never had a chunky baby. The double chin and rolls, oh so cute. His face is so round. Each day he looks more and more like his own person. The only issue is he isn't a good burper. He says No Burp For You which results in painful gas. It's sad watching him tense and cry in pain. Infant gas drops help a bit. He is becoming a tooting master.

Even though he is an easy baby I still call him my grumpy little man. He grunts and frowns in his sleep and when we change his position. His little frowns are adorable. I absolutely love seeing his wrinkled brow and pursed lips. I have been known to reposition him just to see a frown :).

1 Month!

I cannot believe it. Brock is one month old today. Time has gone by so fast. Since my last post...

We decorated Brock's room. Sport themed, of course. Dustin and I tried to focus on the joy of the task for Brock and not think at one point the room was Payton's. Is was easier, I think, since we took down her room and turned it into an office/guest room/storage room before I was pregnant. I thought I was doing okay until Tatum said, "It's terrible Payton isn't here with us. I miss her so so so much". Yes it is! Me too! Guess it wasn't only on Dustin and my mind. Honestly, I couldn't have gone from the room being Payton's to Brock's.

Brock had his two week doctor appointment. The pediatrician was naturally impressed with him, as were all the doctors and nurses in the hospital. In one week Brock gained half a pound and grew half an inch. The boy does like to eat! A good friend of mine, a NICU nurse recommends to all her preemie parents to take a picture of the baby with a stuffed animal to help remember how small the baby was and see him grow. Love the idea. Thank you Kristin! Here is Brock with Charlie the Compare Bear at 2 weeks and now at 4 weeks. Cannot tell much difference but he no longer fits into his preemie clothes. Sad!

Tatum, with the help of Grandma Sue planned and decorated for Brock's birth party. The party was a success. Many family and friends came to meet Mr. Brock. He received many adorable outfits. Seriously I think the boy has enough clothes for the first year of his life. Thank you everyone! An interesting thing happened. Women who had babies around the time we lost Payton and who were thoughtful to not bring their babies around us or at least ask first, without warning showed up with their now toddlers. It was surprising and a bit weird. I cannot help but think they assume because we had another child we are 'all better'. We're not!

A few MIM mommies and their rainbows.
Yes I cut my hair. Christine where were you when I needed you to stop me?

We enjoyed Christmas. Santa was very good to Tatum and Brock. Tatum, though wanted to donate her new toys and old socks.

Brock's first visit to our special place.

I've always thought Christmas dinner got the shaft. Easter is ham. Thanksgiving is turkey. Christmas? Repeat of Easter and Thanksgiving? Not any more. This year a new tradition in the Coleman home. Prime rib for Christmas dinner! Delish! 

Brock had his first bath.

Not a big fan of!

Tatum said good bye to her best friend of three years. Sophia and family we will all miss you. Next time we see you it will be in Arizona. Road trip!

Birthday lunch with Great Grandma Pepin. Happy birthday to both lovely ladies!

And some random pictures.

Happy five year anniversary Dustin. I love you big much!