Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

 Tonight my candle will be lit for my daughter, Payton and all of the other precious babies gone too soon.

PT

I’ve been MIA for six months. How is that possible? I’ve started posts here and there but haven’t been able to finish. Home and work life has been busy. I keep telling myself life won’t be so hectic after this or after that, but I have been saying this for six months now. I will catch up eventually, but right now I just want to express my feeling regarding a specific situation. It isn't anything huge, but at this moment it feels huge.

Brock is now 9.5-months-old. Wow isn't that crazy?! Anyway, for several months I’ve had concerns about his gross motor skills, or lack of. He didn't roll until he was 6.5-months-old. He didn't sit until 7.75-months-old (is that a real age?). Currently, he doesn't get himself into or out of a sitting position. He isn’t crawling or even getting into a crawling position. He isn’t pulling himself to a standing position nor can he hold his own weight when held up. Like I said I’ve had concerns and voiced them to his pediatrician for a few months. She always reminded me he was born five weeks early and may need some extra time. Well at his 9 month check-up she recommended he receive a Child Find evaluation to determine if he qualifies for physical therapy from Part C (special education for infants and toddlers).

This morning was his evaluation. He qualified for PT. Good, I tell myself, and rationally I know it is. But I’m feeling mixed up. Yes I’m thankful Part C services are available, but I’m also sad. He's my perfect little boy and hearing five professionals say he isn’t perfect hurts. I should mention I'm pretty emotional, as if it isn’t obvious. I'm always more emotional when I'm tired. I’m extremely tired. Brock wakes 4 or 5 times a night to nurse, but that is another post.

The evaluation process was hard… explaining why I was so fearful throughout the pregnancy, that a year and half before his sister died of a cord accident… having five professionals watch Brock’s play and watch his and I’s interaction together… hearing my perfect baby wasn’t perfect… and when I signed the paperwork I noticed the date. The 21st. 32 months ago today my second perfect baby died. Logically I know I’m over reacting. Logically I know there are far worse things in life then my son needing PT. Logically I know it’s best to get services sooner rather than later. Logically I know needing PT doesn’t make Brock not perfect. Yet logically knowing and feeling aren’t the same.

St. Patty's day fishing with dad!

Normally St. Patty's day in Colorado is cold and snowy. This year was about 75 degrees so Tatum and I went fishing. I baited her Barbie pole and threw it in. As I was setting up my pole.... "daddy daddy I have a fish". There no way she has a fish so I calmly walked over and surely she had a fish. It got off five feet from the shore. She was sad.... So I rebaited her line and threw it back out. As I started to set up my line "daddy daddy I have a fish" and she did but we pulled this one up. She was so happy. I rebaited her line, started to set up mine again and would you believe it.. .Another fish. Tatum and her Barbie pole caught 2 (and almost) 3 fish before I even got my line in the water

Missing Her

I consider myself a fairly private person. I’ve never been one who shares every detail of her life with coworkers, acquaintances, or random strangers she meets in the checkout line. Other than family, close friends, and nosey neighbors, no one knows my marriage fell apart about a month ago. My husband and I are separated and likely on the road to divorce. As devastating as the idea of a divorce is what I’m struggling with is missing Payton. Odd, I know. Payton has absolutely nothing to do with the current situation. In fact, I thought we dealt with losing her together reasonably well. Other than both situations were shocking- Payton’s death and my failing marriage have nothing to do with each other. Yet, I’m distraught over missing her. I’m not exactly sure why but I'm longing for her more. Maybe because once again I feel like I failed. Maybe another loss exacerbates a previous loss. Maybe because once again my life is falling apart and there is little I can do. Maybe because I will have to start working full time and miss out on precious time with Brock, and Tatum, which reminds me of the time I didn’t get with Payton. I’m in no way comparing the two. Simply meaning losing Payton has made every moment with my children more special.

I don't truly know why. I just know I’m missing her.

Lets Play Name That Baby!

Can you name which baby is Tatum and which is Brock?

 

 

Baby A

 

 

 

Baby B

 

 

 

What is your final answer....?

3 Months

 I'm a little behind posting pictures with Charlie Bear but here they are...

2 weeks

3 months



2 weeks

3 months

Woo baby has Brock grown. He's a little chunker ☺♥.

Evolution vs Creationism?

Today I had the pleasure of hearing Loretta Oakes speak. She is a fascinating woman; Christian, mother, scientist, author, and blogger. I love how she uses humor in parenting- a good reminder for all mothers. I also love that she answers the big why questions (i.e. why is the sky blue) by combining Christianity and science. To learn more about her or follow her blog check out Complementary Thoughts.

My Opinion Counts!

After years of 'retail therapy' and months of unemployment it was time to find ways to earn some extra cash. Well... an opportunity to participate in focus groups presented itself. You know, the kind you see on tv. People watch a commercial or taste types of soft drinks, or test (aka destroy) new toys, and then share their opinions. Yup, tonight I participated in my first focus group, except I didn't get to do any of the fun stuff. My group sat in a room with large mirrors and microphones discussing current events. Have to say I was surprised I past the initial screening because I know nothing about what is going on in the world. I don't watch the news or read the newspaper. My only glimpse of world events is from msn web page. Anyway, I was excited to share my thoughts and enjoyed the experience until I realized I was in the old women group :(. Reality has a way of putting a damper on anything ☺.

Dreaming of

I have been busy and exhausted adjusting to going back to work that I haven't had an opportunity to post. A few nights ago I had my first dream of Payton as a two year old. In my dream I walked into the house. Tatum immediately ran up to me, talking a mile a minute, excitedly telling me what she had done while grandma had watched her. Payton sat back content to let Tatum take center stage. I walked over to Payton. She was a combination of Tatum and Brock. She had dirty blood hair, darker than Tatum's. She had the same facial features as Tatum- same eyes (Brock also has the same eyes), nose and lips. Her face was round but not nearly as round as Brock's. She was calm, quiet, introverted. Once I went over to her and began talking to her she came out of her shell. She had the most beautiful smile. The kind of smile in which her face light up and eyes sparkled. The kind of smile where you feel blessed to have witnessed it. She also have a beautiful laugh, more beautiful than any sound I've ever heard.

I was sad when I realize dream or reality I apparently cannot have all three of my children together.

True Words

Taken from a the lovely Franchesca of Small Bird Studios

When You Lose a Baby

You don’t know what to expect.

People surround you. For a couple of weeks. Making sure you are not going to kill yourself, refuse to get out of bed, or start rocking a baby doll like the crazy lady they heard about from a friend.

You get lots of sympathy cards, clearly written and designed to be sent to console a daughter losing her father. Not the other way around.

You get free baby formula in the mail. For months and months and months.

And free baby magazines. And free baby coupons.

You secretly envy every pregnant woman. But not without a tinge of guilt, because you know all too well that she might be one in four- expecting her rainbow child.

It seems like the whole world is expecting a baby.

You have baby stuff around your home. Because you never imagined you wouldn’t need it.

You feel jarred. In the grocery store. At a birthday party. At the dinner table. At Christmas. Driving.

The baby you never knew, but lost changes every part of your life. Every. single. part.

Forever.

You see baby clothes and it brings tears to your eyes.

You get sick and tired of crying. You never knew it was possible to cry this much.

You find yourself angry at God. Angry at yourself. Just angry.

You sware you can feel them kick but they’re gone. They call them phantom kicks. I call them painful, all kinds of painful. But sweet too.

You know, or you have a strong feeling of knowing what your child would have looked like, and been like. You see a child in the store, or on the street. Their hair color, dimples, smile, their personality and suddenly you are reminded of your child. You miss your child even more, if that’s even possible.

Your Babies R’ Us Registry is still active. There is no delete button on their site. The babies r’ us people don’t make a dime on people like us. Why bother right? You have to call them, plead with them to remove your freaking’ registry, because there will be no baby shower. There is an awkward silence. There is sadness. There will be no baby.

You get hospital bills about 3-4 months after you buried your child. You have to pay for the baby you delivered but didn’t bring home.

You find that moment of happiness in life for the first time, but the guilt swallows it up almost immediately.

You remember the size of the casket. The size of the plot. The face of the funeral director. The expression of those that attended the funeral. The feeling of raw pain, like your chest has literally been ripped open.

Somehow you convince yourself that you deserve happiness. Because you really do. But in the happiest, purest moment, there is still that hole that only they were meant to fill.

People compare your pain to their own pain. The loss of their grandmother, husband, their failed marriage, rebellious teenagers. Somehow this comparing leaves you stranded. If they can compare their pain of a situation to the loss of your BABY, they will likely never get it. Babies are not supposed to die. End of story.

You lost a dream. And it almost feels like you imagined their entire existence up. Their name becomes a distant memory on the lips of others.

There is awkwardness when you talk about your child in a crowd. No one knows whether to cry, walk away or pretend you never brought him or her up.

You lose friends. You find new ones.

You can’t believe that women have actually survived this and you never knew about it. Not really, anyway.

You would do anything for another minute with your child.

You cry when others bring up your child, not so much because it hurts but more so because it such a precious and rare gift.

You long for the rewind button, even after many many instances of acceptance.

You want to know what went wrong, and why…

You find a new appreciation for moments in life that make you laugh… you laugh harder and love stronger.

You know that you can die bitter, or die thankful. There is no in between.

You never ever, EVER get over your child. The one you hoped for, prayed for, carried and loved for the weeks and months they were with you.

You learn to live with the pain.

You are better for having known them at all.

Quote of the Day

Tatum about Brock; "We should of left him home with someone. All he does is sleep. It's really really annoying".

Chunky Boy

Brock's weighs 9 and a half pounds! Holy moly, he more than doubled his weight in two months. He is in the 95th% of weight and below the 5th% in height. Tatum is in the 90th% in height and below the 40th% in weight, which is a huge gain from the 5th%.



"I'm handsome and I got style!"



"Hey mom stop putting me in this pink thing.
I don't want my boys to see".



Meet Stacie

Tatum received the movie "Barbie A Perfect Christmas" as a Christmas present (thanks Grandma Brenda☺). To say Tatum loves the movie is an understatement. She has the movie memorized, acts out each scene, and sings nonstop. She cast the house (almost everyone) in roles. She is Stacie. Dustin is Barbie, or Big Barbie as she calls him. Brock is Chelsea. Corona is Rudy the husky puppy, which is perfect casting because Corona is husky. Fat Tire is a reindog. I'm Skipper, or Sipper as she pronounces it. Sadly, Kitty didn't make the cut and wasn't assigned a role. Playing or not, she likes to be referred to as Stacie and calls everyone by their Barbie name. She even has Stacie hair- two low pigtails with a headband. Um, we are beginning to worry about her perception of reality :l, but hey at least Oso and the others have left the building☺.



the opening act





Stacie and Skipper in their debut concern.

Stacie invites you to a princess tea party with ebra cakes (not a spelling error- Tatum pronounces Little Debbie zebra cakes, ebra cakes).

Payton's 2nd Angelversary

Payton's day has come and gone but I've yet to post. I could say life has been busy not allowing time. But that isn't entirely true. I haven't posted because I don't know what to write. Leading up to the day my anxiety as well as sadness were strong. I hadn't felt that sad in a long time. I know there were many factors: hormones, decreased sleep, and having Brock. Not to mention I was extremely worried how dinner would go. Still I was surprised how sad and tearful I was. How fresh the loss felt.

Dustin and I feel we need to celebrate (so to speak) her day just as we celebrate Tatum's and Brock's birthdays. Last year we remembered our daughter by sharing a meal with family and friends. It was a peaceful evening because the family and friends who came understood. Dustin and I felt supported. We wanted again to have dinner, making it a tradition each year. However, we went back and forth on whither to invite others and whom to invite. In the end we decided to keep it intimate by only inviting Payton's grandparents, uncles and aunts.

Before dinner, we released balloons. Tatum wrote on a balloon; "Dear Payton I love you and I really really really miss you. I wish you could come from Heaven to visit, but you can't". Tatum also insistent she have a different colored balloon to send to God.

After we enjoyed a delicious four course meal. I am a lucky woman my husband is a great cook.

We began with an argula salad with prosciutto, shaved parmesan,
 and candied walnuts in a balsamic reduction.

Next we had an artichoke pecorino flan.



The entree was slice steak with brunello sauce served
with wilted spinach with currants and pine nuts. 



Ending with creme brulee for dessert.

After dinner, Dustin connected the laptop to the tv so we all could watch Payton's slideshow. Everyone  thanked us for showing it and commented it was beautiful. However, the mood... well the best I can describe was forced. It felt we were forcing our daughter and her memory on others. The evening was uncomfortable, which in a way okay. Death is uncomfortable. I don't know... Maybe it wouldn't have been so uncomfortable if people remembered why we were together and mentioned Payton and there wasn't drama which I'm not going to into.

I understand others don't have the same connect with Payton as Dustin, Tatum or I. In fact, Dustin, Tatum, and I all have different connections with Payton. Yet, they are related to her and if nothing else should try to understand what it would be like to lose a child. And therefore, try to understand how we might feel. But most don't. Simply saying 'I don't know what that is like' is a cop-out. I need to do some soul searching. I need to decide if I'm okay with forcing my daughter on a few family members, or to have a peaceful evening with supportive people, or only the four of us celebrate Payton. I have a year to figure it out. Any thoughts?

Payton Bear

It's here! My Payton Bear is here! This afternoon on my way to run errands I stopped at the mailbox, surprised to receive a package. Once in the car I glanced at the sender's name- Molly Bears. As fast as I could I riped the box open. There it was, the beautiful Payton Bear. For several minutes I sat there clutching the bear. Thank you Molly Bears family for a wonderful gift, and what perfect timing. To learn more about Molly Bears head on over to their site.

Wake Me When January Ends

Once upon a time January was exciting. A new year full of hope. Full of promise. Offering the possibility of making this year better than the last. A chance to right all the wrongs of the past 12 months. That was then. This is now. January no longer represents potential. It stands for bittersweet. A month of deep mixed emotions; beginning by celebrating Tatum's birth, followed by the celebration of Dustin and I's marriage, as the month progresses the bitterness blankets the sweetness bringing Payton's day.

Losing Payton will never stop hurting. The pain of saying goodbye to my daughter, of burring my baby, of not watching her grow, of not having her here, will never stop hurting. Yet over the last two years I've learned a lot. I've learned "time heals all" is a load of crap. I've learned what “it will get easier” means. It doesn't mean the pain will stop or life will return to normal. It does mean after time, tears, and hurt the pain lessons (at times) and you learn to live a new normal. I've learned about disappointment and surprise. I've learned about people. I've learned the shallowness some posses. I've learned the depth of love, caring, and thoughtfulness of others. I've learned the people you count on aren't always the ones you thought. I've learned in one moment your closest friend can become an acquaintance. And in the same moment a complete stranger can become your closest companion. I've learned you never know who is who until the moment happens.

'Tis the time of year memories and pain come flooding back forgetting two years have elapsed. I wish the month passes quickly. 

About A Boy

Today is Brock's due date. I cannot believe he has been here for 4 weeks, 5 days. There were many days during the pregnancy I didn't think we would get here. Didn't think he would get here. At this moment sitting here with Brock sleeping in my arms, those days are a blur. I know it happened (and often) but I cannot remember how it felt. Now it's so natural he is here, as if he has always been, as if he has always been in my arms. I guess because he was always meant to be.

I love love love this little boy! I know it's bad to admit, because aren't moms suppose to love each child equally at least that is what moms say, but truthfully I never believed. There was a part of me that didn't know how I would feel about him. I would love him yes. Yet part of me assumed I would love him less because he wasn't my first...because he was a boy... because he came after Payton... For a million reason I thought how could I love him as much as I love Tatum or Payton. I am so happy I was wrong. I had the same thoughts when pregnant with Payton. I was wrong then too. Some times it's good to be wrong! I love this little boy so much I cannot really put it into words. Each time I look at him my heart overflows with love and gratitude. I cannot get enough of him!

Brock is such a different baby than Tatum was. More how I thought Payton would be. He is an easy baby. We can actually put him down! He actually sleeps somewhere other than our arms! Yet, we still fight over who gets to hold him :) Rather than forcing him eats on his own, and wow is he a good eater. He is getting chunky. We are excited. We have never had a chunky baby. The double chin and rolls, oh so cute. His face is so round. Each day he looks more and more like his own person. The only issue is he isn't a good burper. He says No Burp For You which results in painful gas. It's sad watching him tense and cry in pain. Infant gas drops help a bit. He is becoming a tooting master.

Even though he is an easy baby I still call him my grumpy little man. He grunts and frowns in his sleep and when we change his position. His little frowns are adorable. I absolutely love seeing his wrinkled brow and pursed lips. I have been known to reposition him just to see a frown :).

1 Month!

I cannot believe it. Brock is one month old today. Time has gone by so fast. Since my last post...

We decorated Brock's room. Sport themed, of course. Dustin and I tried to focus on the joy of the task for Brock and not think at one point the room was Payton's. Is was easier, I think, since we took down her room and turned it into an office/guest room/storage room before I was pregnant. I thought I was doing okay until Tatum said, "It's terrible Payton isn't here with us. I miss her so so so much". Yes it is! Me too! Guess it wasn't only on Dustin and my mind. Honestly, I couldn't have gone from the room being Payton's to Brock's.

Brock had his two week doctor appointment. The pediatrician was naturally impressed with him, as were all the doctors and nurses in the hospital. In one week Brock gained half a pound and grew half an inch. The boy does like to eat! A good friend of mine, a NICU nurse recommends to all her preemie parents to take a picture of the baby with a stuffed animal to help remember how small the baby was and see him grow. Love the idea. Thank you Kristin! Here is Brock with Charlie the Compare Bear at 2 weeks and now at 4 weeks. Cannot tell much difference but he no longer fits into his preemie clothes. Sad!

Tatum, with the help of Grandma Sue planned and decorated for Brock's birth party. The party was a success. Many family and friends came to meet Mr. Brock. He received many adorable outfits. Seriously I think the boy has enough clothes for the first year of his life. Thank you everyone! An interesting thing happened. Women who had babies around the time we lost Payton and who were thoughtful to not bring their babies around us or at least ask first, without warning showed up with their now toddlers. It was surprising and a bit weird. I cannot help but think they assume because we had another child we are 'all better'. We're not!

A few MIM mommies and their rainbows.
Yes I cut my hair. Christine where were you when I needed you to stop me?

We enjoyed Christmas. Santa was very good to Tatum and Brock. Tatum, though wanted to donate her new toys and old socks.

Brock's first visit to our special place.

I've always thought Christmas dinner got the shaft. Easter is ham. Thanksgiving is turkey. Christmas? Repeat of Easter and Thanksgiving? Not any more. This year a new tradition in the Coleman home. Prime rib for Christmas dinner! Delish! 

Brock had his first bath.

Not a big fan of!

Tatum said good bye to her best friend of three years. Sophia and family we will all miss you. Next time we see you it will be in Arizona. Road trip!

Birthday lunch with Great Grandma Pepin. Happy birthday to both lovely ladies!

And some random pictures.

Happy five year anniversary Dustin. I love you big much!