Rookie Number 3

Sport is HERE!!! The past 10 days...

Worlds Greatest Sound!

December 4th, 2:56am

Brock James made his surprise arrival at 35 weeks, 2 days after more than 28.5 hours of labor. He arrived screaming, pink, breathing on his own, and nursed right away. He is tiny yet perfect. Stay tuned to read his story.

Mr. Brock

How does this tiny 35 weeker have full cheeks and a double chin?

Tatum and Brock

Tatum is in love with her baby brother. She is very protective of him. In the hospital when the nurse took him to the nursery for tests and weight check, Tatum would cry worried the nurse wasn't going to bring him back. She wants to help with every task; feeding, changing, you name it. She wants to share everything with Brock, even her cold. Yes Brock caught his first cold at one week old. Poor little guy is stuffy and in need of snuggles, which we are all quick to offer!

These Days

It is hard to explain the contradicting feelings inside me. I feel complete joy Brock is safely here. Yet equally and at the exact same time I feel complete sorrow Payton isn't. Brock looks exactly like his big sisterS, Tatum and Payton. When I look at him I see him. Yet I also see Tatum and Payton. When he stretches, smiles in his sleep, or makes an adorable facial expression I cannot help but to fall more in love. Yet my heartbreaks I never got to see Payton smile or make adorable facial expression. Every moment the tears are just behind the surface, tears of happiness and tears of sadness. The feelings aren't battling each other as I would have thought. The contradicting feelings live peacefully beside each other, strangely not contradicting each other at all but complimenting each other.

I miss Payton every day even more now. There was aways a difference in Dustin and I's grief from other grieving parents went met. Not more or less, just different. We had an older child, we had Tatum. We knew every moment we missed without Payton. We didn't have to guess or imagine. We KNEW. We knew how it felt to hold our baby all day and night. We knew how it felt to watch our baby sleep, checking her breathing every few minutes. We knew how it felt to gaze into our baby's eyes wondering what she was thinking, wondering who she would become. I knew how it felt to spend quite moments nursing our baby. 1 year, 10 months, 23 days ago I lived knowing and missing every moment without Payton. Now I'm reliving every moment I didn't get to share with her. I'm not sure which is more heartbreaking, then or now.

When family met Brock most commented how much Brock looked like Tatum as an infant. Not one mentioned Brock also looked like Payton. In fact, no one uttered Payton's name. I understand they may have not know what to say or maybe didn't want to upset us. But I would like them all to know that by not mentioning Payton you are causing us more pain. She is our daughter too. We haven't forgotten her. We will never forget her. We need to hear you haven't forgotten her either. It causes pain that only now, now that Brock is here do family view Tatum as a big sister. Tatum has been a big sister for nearly two years. If any acknowledged Payton as her sister they would see Tatum is already a wonderful big sister; loving, caring, and thoughtful.