It is hard to explain the contradicting feelings inside me. I feel complete joy Brock is safely here. Yet equally and at the exact same time I feel complete sorrow Payton isn't. Brock looks exactly like his big sisterS, Tatum and Payton. When I look at him I see him. Yet I also see Tatum and Payton. When he stretches, smiles in his sleep, or makes an adorable facial expression I cannot help but to fall more in love. Yet my heartbreaks I never got to see Payton smile or make adorable facial expression. Every moment the tears are just behind the surface, tears of happiness and tears of sadness. The feelings aren't battling each other as I would have thought. The contradicting feelings live peacefully beside each other, strangely not contradicting each other at all but complimenting each other.
I miss Payton every day even more now. There was aways a difference in Dustin and I's grief from other grieving parents went met. Not more or less, just different. We had an older child, we had Tatum. We knew every moment we missed without Payton. We didn't have to guess or imagine. We KNEW. We knew how it felt to hold our baby all day and night. We knew how it felt to watch our baby sleep, checking her breathing every few minutes. We knew how it felt to gaze into our baby's eyes wondering what she was thinking, wondering who she would become. I knew how it felt to spend quite moments nursing our baby. 1 year, 10 months, 23 days ago I lived knowing and missing every moment without Payton. Now I'm reliving every moment I didn't get to share with her. I'm not sure which is more heartbreaking, then or now.
When family met Brock most commented how much Brock looked like Tatum as an infant. Not one mentioned Brock also looked like Payton. In fact, no one uttered Payton's name. I understand they may have not know what to say or maybe didn't want to upset us. But I would like them all to know that by not mentioning Payton you are causing us more pain. She is our daughter too. We haven't forgotten her. We will never forget her. We need to hear you haven't forgotten her either. It causes pain that only now, now that Brock is here do family view Tatum as a big sister. Tatum has been a big sister for nearly two years. If any acknowledged Payton as her sister they would see Tatum is already a wonderful big sister; loving, caring, and thoughtful.
When family met Brock most commented how much Brock looked like Tatum as an infant. Not one mentioned Brock also looked like Payton. In fact, no one uttered Payton's name. I understand they may have not know what to say or maybe didn't want to upset us. But I would like them all to know that by not mentioning Payton you are causing us more pain. She is our daughter too. We haven't forgotten her. We will never forget her. We need to hear you haven't forgotten her either. It causes pain that only now, now that Brock is here do family view Tatum as a big sister. Tatum has been a big sister for nearly two years. If any acknowledged Payton as her sister they would see Tatum is already a wonderful big sister; loving, caring, and thoughtful.
I'm so happy for you Elainna! I too know those feelings. I've often been hurt by my family simply keeping quiet about Sammy, or how thrilled they are about this baby -why couldn't they have been so excited about Sammy? It's hard to enjoy Brock without thinking and missing Payton - just as I know I will shed more tears over Sammy not being here. Wishing you happiness, love and strength my friend. Love always - Jo
ReplyDeleteSo perfectly written. I am beyond thrilled that he is safely here. He is adorable, and he really does look like the girls...You have been on my mind so much lately, and I was going to write you to see how you were doing. You beat me to it! I seriously cried for you because I am just so happy!
ReplyDeleteHe is BEAUTIFUL! We have been whirlwind busy for the last two months, and I hate, hate, hate that your sweet boy is NEARLY 2 months already!!! He is beautiful and I am so thrilled for you!!!
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxo