Curve Ball

Approaching 18 months without Payton made me an emotional wreck- again. Dustin and I decided to head south to Sand Dunes. Instead, life threw me a curve ball. The evening of the 19th I was in a car accident. I was hysterical, to put it mildly. I yelled at anyone who would listen, "I'm 15 weeks pregnant. 18 months ago my daughter died". The firefighter took pity on me and sent me the the ER for an ultrasound. Paramedics attempted not to take me to the hospital where I delivered Payton. Yet, due to the location of the accident and traffic that is where I found myself. I was only in the ER (not the maternity unit) but forced to return 'to that place'. As I lay in the exam room I was flooded with memories of delivering Payton and of holding her in my arms. My mind raced with the thought of losing another baby. After what seemed like a life time, the doctor completed an ultrasound. Sport has a heartbeat and is actively moving around!

I'm thankful to the people who helped. I'm still angry at the adults in the other car. As a parent who lost a baby, I'm angry two adults put six children in a car without seatbelts. I try not to be bitter that people who make irresponsible decisions as to the safety of their children are able to have children; while so many mother's and father's are living without their babies. BTW, I am fine and believe all the other parties are fine too.

The ironic part is before I left work I was reading an article which stated some unfortunate events in our lives are God’s way of waking us up (I'm simplifying). Later that night I wondered what God wanted me to pay attention to? I believe God wanted me to realize how much I already love Sport and regardless of my trying to emotionally distance myself it won't work. I love Sport as much as I love my other two children.

Needless to say, in the end we didn’t go to Sand Dunes. On the 21st we went to Payton's gravesite. We survived 18 months. Yet, I still cannot stop thinking how different our lives should be, what Payton would be like, what would she look like, or a million other questions. Will I ever stop thinking of the should be's or the what if's? Probably not.